Toddlers ... Parenting.. Very nice article.. recieved on mail

As babies become toddlers, many parents begin to think and talk aboutdiscipline. No wonder: your baby learns to do a lot, and not all of itis what you'd choose.Understanding your baby in the months around her first birthdayYour nearly-mobile, nearly-talking baby is certainly capable ofunderstanding what "no" means, and of beginning to co-operate withadults, even (sometimes) when she doesn't actually want to. But sheisn't ready to cope with adult anger when she doesn't co-operatebecause the reasons for the anger are beyond her understanding -- itseems to her to come out of the blue.
Your toddler has no way of knowing that the thing she did or that justhappened -- milk down your clean shirt, a briefcase emptied out -- wasthe one more minor disaster that was your "last straw". Even if shehad sensed your previous tension, she would not have understood whatcaused it: the early morning meeting at work for which you stayed uplate preparing and then overslept in the morning,so you were ingetting her up, and will be late getting to work. She doesn'tunderstand much about your feelings or your affairs, nor should she.They are not yet her concern. If you scold, she may enrage you furtherby laughing; if you shout, she will jump and cry. If you lose yourcool to a point where you actually punish her physically, shaking her,smacking her or leaving her in her cot, she will be as amazed andhorrified as you would be if someone close to you suddenly turnedaround and slapped you.Until she can understand the reasons for adult anger, your toddlercannot learn anything useful from punishment. When the reasons dobecome comprehensible, she will be able to learn without punishment.
Suppose your child pulls a glass vase off the coffee table and breaksit. You may justify your angry scolding on the grounds that she shouldnot have touched it because you have told her many times not to touchit -- and anyway she should have been more careful. But think aminute. She touched the vase because it was there: her naturalcuriosity told her to examine it and her memory and understanding arenot yet good enough to tell her which things are not allowed or areforbidden. She broke it because her manual dexterity is not yetadequate for handling delicate things gently. So was the accidentreally her fault? If the vase was really valuable, what was it doingleft within her reach? She is being punished for being what she is:ababy.
Now suppose that she tips all the food out of her dish on to thefreshly-swabbed floor. In fury you say that "she ought to knowbetter". But ought she? A few minutes earlier you helped her to tipall the blocks out of their bag onto the floor. She does not know thedifference between throwing food and toys. As to the clean floor, sheprobably watched the household help swabbing it with soapy water. Isshe supposed to understand that soapy water cleans things, but daaldirties them? Once again you are being cross with her for being theage she is and for behaving exactly like children of her age do.Discipline and cooperationThe key to discipline and cooperation with children is to clearly,consistently and caringly point out what is off limits or notacceptable. At this age, it will mean making eye contact with her,telling her “no” in a firm but gentle tone when she tries to stick herfinger into a plug point or toddles towards a flight of stairs andfollowing that up with action – pick her up and put her in anotherpart of the room or distract her with a toy or a book. If shepersists, repeat the same steps a few times till she gets the messageand moves on to something more interesting. This is much moreeffective than shouting from one side of the room about the danger inwhat she is doing and how she should listen to you. She may getstartled or scared at the loud tones at first, but then she'llprobably ignore you and continue doing what she wants because shedoesn’t understand much of what you are saying anyway.
Whatever other people may sometimes suggest, going gently with a babythis age cannot "spoil" her or create behaviour problems for later. Infact the more consciously you love her, and enjoy the way she lovesyou, the better. If you let yourselves realise and reciprocate herinexhaustible desire for smiles and hugs, it will be obvious that thelast thing she wants is to displease you. It will be a long time yetbefore she can understand what pleases you, though. Your pleasures arenot the same as hers. You don't like daal on the floor....From one year to two-and-a-halfDuring these months, your child's developmental clock tells her thatit is time to stop being a baby and move towards being a separateperson. If you treat her as a baby, she will fight you every step ofthe way and, in the end, she will win her independence because shemust. But she will win it after some terrible battles and a lot offrustration on both sides.
But that clock does not yet read "childhood", so attempts to manageand discipline her as you would a child will not work either. You willbe faced with a lack of understanding that looks like defiance, andevery battle you join will end with hurt feelings and some lost love.So don't try for absolute control and don't label your child as goodor bad. Your toddler will be "good" if she feels like doing what youhappen to want her to do and does not happen to feel like doinganything you would dislike. With a little cleverness you can organiselife as a whole, and issues in particular, so that you both want thesame thing most of the time.
Your toddler has her blocks all over the floor and you want the roomtidy. If you tell her to pick them up, she will probably refuse. Ifyou insist, a fight will be on and you cannot win it. You can yell ather, punish her, reduce her to a crying mess but none of that will getthose blocks off the floor. And even if they do, the next time youwill go through the same routine. But if you say, "Mummy is going toput the blocks in the bag FIRST!” you turn a chore into a game, anorder into a challenge. Now she wants to do what you want her to do,so she does. She did not pick up (most of) the blocks "for mummy"; shedid not do it because she is a "good girl". She did it because youmade her want to. And that is the best possible way to go.
Conduct your toddler through her daily life by foreseeing the rocksand steering around them, avoiding absolute orders that will beabsolutely refused, leading and guiding her into behaving as you wanther to behave because nothing has made her want to behave otherwise.
The payoff now is fun instead of battles for you all but the laterpayoff is seriously important, too. This toddler, who does not knowright from wrong and therefore cannot choose to behave well or badly,is growing up. Soon the time will come when she does remember yourinstructions and is able to foresee the results of her actions (if sheclears up without a fuss, she can move on to the next game oractivity); does understand the subtleties of everyday language; doesrecognise your feelings and your rights.
When that time comes, your child will be able to be "good" or"naughty" on purpose. Which she chooses will depend largely on how shefeels about the adults who are special to her and have power over her.If she reaches that next stage of growing up feeling that you arebasically loving, approving and on her side, she will want (most ofthe time) to please you so (with many lapses) she will behave as youwish. But if she reaches that stage feeling that you are overpowering,incomprehensible and against her, she may already have decided not tobother trying to please you because you are never pleased; not tobother when you are annoyed because you are annoyed so often; not tobe completely open about her loving feelings for you because you have not always seemed to reciprocate those feelings